Oh! the smell of new books... Like they're inviting you into the world hidden in their pages... God, make me a printer, please...

Freedom, here I come. If SSM lets me stay awake, that is.

A couple of weeks is all it takes to create that feeling like you haven't spoke in years. And then you can have that amazing catching-up conversation. Wow, this feels good.

My Latest Theorem

To Prove:
Existence or non-existence of appendages on my right hand.

Given:
Right Hand, no feeling therein.

Proof:
Last night, post the paper, I could not feel my fingers. (1)
Tonight, post paper, again, I cannot feel my right hand. (2)

From (1) and (2), we can derive either

a) prolonged absence of fingers, or

b) absence of hand.

But Given existing right hand.

Ergo, existence of appendages on right hand can be disproved.

Grogginess

Okay. Let's just try to understand how this works. When people go to sleep, it takes a while to fall asleep. Okay? Got me so far? Right. You agree, even better.

Now, once asleep, when people wake up, after they open their eyes, they're not completely awake yet. There's this little sludgy feeling in their brains called grogginess. It's there for everyone. And for some it lasts longer than for others. Now it's very important to not treat this as hearsay (I see you shaking that head), because this really happens. And one must note, it's difficult to immediately engage in complex mental activities until such time as the brain clears itself. Hence, I most strongly urge you to GET OFF MY FRIGGIN' BACK!!!


Pinky, please note, seeing how I know you will ask, this is not directed at you.

Currently My Worst Nightmare - 2

I see an answer paper. It's a 10 mark question. And I've scored 9!!!! Is this real?? Of course not!

That, also, just has to be the time I wake up and realise with creeping horror that it wasn't even my answer paper.

The Gap - Part I

Thirteen floors up. The penthouse. The ‘pent’house. The pun wasn’t lost on her. The view out of her window was breathtaking. You could see the lawn, beautifully decorated by the city’s best landscape artist, the flowerbed in its geometric perfection. One lone dark-skinned man, looking the size of a cockroach from up here, watering it desolately. ‘That guy could do with company,’ she thought. The irony in that statement escaped her. Past the walls you could see the city expanding outwards. Spreading, sending its fingers searing along the landscape, growing. From this far up, even that was beautiful. Greens mixing with the dull grey of concrete and the pot pourri of colours the average modern city wore, fading away in the mist on the horizon. But she only saw one way. Straight down. ‘Naina!’ came the call, and this time it was louder and angrier than before. She sighed and closed the French window to follow the sound.

She loved the wooden floor. It made that sound when you walked on it. Beautiful, she called it. She walked the halls, letting her fingers run along the wall leaving wavy streaks uncovered by dust. She really loved this place. The way the windows every six feet let in so much sun. Brought those beautiful angles of light. The ones in which she could see little particles dancing without a care, blown this way and that, happy to just keep moving. ‘Who really cares about street noise?’ she thought as a car honked loud and long. She drew a little figure in the dust on the windowsill. A ballerina. Rough, but distinct. Clean lines. She was just about drawing the crown when she heard a baritone softly whisper into her ear, ‘Nicely done, Netu.’ She jumped, quickly erasing the sketch with her fingers.

It was beautifully crafted. Cupboards along the top, plug points under it. Wood panelled sunmica and ornate handles. Naina sat at her desk, books spread out before her. This stuff barely made any sense to her. ‘Why do I have to do this?’ she thought desperately. Sighing, she picked up her scale and pencil, measuring her page, marking out the centre and two other spots. She slid the ruler down an inch or so and repeated her markings. Then flipping it around, she drew three perfectly parallel lines down the page, dividing it into four. She picked up her earphones and plugged them in. Set her iPod to the song she wanted. This was the only thing that was going to keep her sane. He’s a real Nowhere man/Sitting in his Nowhere land rang in her ears as she filled in the headings ‘Liabilities’, ‘Rs.’, ‘Assets’, ‘Rs.’

Netra looked into her reference book. She was at her study table. Standard 90s metalwork office desk, complete with creaky drawers and cracked, pale grey-green paint. She'd asked for it. Thought it would look cool. ‘Why the hell do I have to do this? Why does it have to be so exact?’ Sighing, she picked up her pencil again. She held it about an inch off the point and held it against the image in the text. With her thumb, she held the measure for the thumb bone. Then, without losing the measure, she brought her hand to her page, marking off a point towards the bottom straight away. Then bringing her hand upwards, she brought her thumb level with the marking and made another one, and then repeated the action yet again. She released her grip on the pencil, reaching over to the computer to set the music playing. Help! I need somebody/Help! Not just anybody… her head bobbed in time with the music for a moment. Then looking into her text again, her head bent at an angle and she began to draw.





***Blogger's Note: I don't have the time to finish this right now, what with exams and all, but as they say, keep watching this space...***

Why Me???

I'm sorry. I'm back to this. And this isn't the happy 'why me'. It's the icky one. Really. Why????

Why can't people see what's so obvious? Why must we make assumptions where they aren't necessary??? Why can't a literary work just be taken to mean what it frikkin' says????

WHY????? WHY??????????????????????????????


Can I smash in my keyboard? Here I was thinking it'd be a nice gesture and shit, but no!!! You have to ruin it for me. Why? We really need to get around this love-hate thing.

Screwup

I'm genuinely asking here, do I really sound that condescending when I talk? I think I just realised it. I've made a BIG BIG BIG mistake. I've possibly lost the greatest ally to my cause. Gaaah! I hate myself. And pressure, but mostly myself.

If you must use air conditioners to sleep this summer, keep them on a temperature of around 26° C. That way,

1. your compressor doesn't switch on and off, saving power for the state and money for you.
2. when you leave the room, you don't have that icky feeling sticking to your skin that makes you want to strip in public.

Power conservation. Now an official theme on this blog? Scary thought.

Currently My Worst Nightmare

Store One:
Boss, give me a packet of Tang.
Sorry, we're all out of Tang.
Oh. Okay. Thank you.

Store Two:
Boss, can I get a packet of Tang?
My stock's finished, sir.
Oh. Crap. Thank you anyway.

Store Three:
Dude, do you have Tang?
Who's asking?
I am, duh.
Wrong answer.
What?
Nothing.
Do you have Tang?
Not anymore, I don't.

Walk back home, past Store Two:
Did you find Tang?
Nope, no one's got it.
I told you. They haven't brought around stock for a while.

Walking past Store One:
Psst...
Huh?
Psst...
Me?
Yeah, you.
Yes?
Get over here.
Yes?
You want Tang? I got some Tang.
Then why'd you say no before? I want some!
Yeah, it's going to cost you.
Obviously, I wasn't expecting to get it free...
Yeah, that'll be 5 lakhs for a half kg packet.
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*Wake up screaming*

Yes, I'm a serial chicken-shit. And yes, I have some ideals I'd rather uphold. I'm proud of both. Live with it. Take me as I am and all that crap...

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

If they knew that April is the most auspicious time for weddings in the whole f@#$ing year, why the f@#$ would they put exams in it????

Come on, people, it's simple logic!!!!!

Oh! The agonies of volunteering to be left out. BMS, I officially hate you ten levels more.

Scary Shit

It is amazing the number of things in ordinary life that we take for granted. Just brush past them like they're inconsequential. Ignore how wondrous it is that some things happen, and how glorious it is that others don't. Like how we take for granted that a pressure cooker will work and not explode in our faces.

It's nice when things just work. Like when you wake up, look at your clock and see the second hand just falling into place as your alarm starts to ring.

Standing Ovation

Wow. No, really. Wow. If I could show myself standing and clapping here, I would. You honestly amaze me sometimes. This makes up for all the times I've asked you, "Why me?" Heck, this is probably why.

Thank you. You've given me more than I ever dreamed I would have. Ever. Whenever I find myself thinking I deserve this, you just have to bring around this new piece that makes me go, "Shit."

Seriously, though. What on good God's Earth did I ever do to deserve such bounty? I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just curious. 'Cos I'd do it again a million times over, in a heartbeat, if you'll give me her again next time around.

It Matters. It Really, Really Matters. (NOT!!!!!!)

It's the T-Lang.

No, I heard the Prush Ramen is doing it.

No, no!! The Prush Ramen called them all little cowardly bitches. It can't be him. The Covenant won't let him do it. It's This Dude from inside Jayant.

No, man! I'm telling you, it's the T-Lang.

It's not the T-Lang. You see, the Shakey-la told me in person that they've spoken to them. The Settlers.

So they didn't mention the names of the Settlers, did they??? It's the T-Lang. I'm telling you.

Look, I'm guaranteeing that it's This Dude.

It's the T-Lang.

It's Swan Nee.

What? You're not even talking about the same thing, you idiot...

No, it's Swan Nee.

You're deluded, man. It's the T-Lang.

The Prush Ramen.

This Dude.
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Traditional Remedies

Bad mood? One of those really crappy ones that make you want to bash your keyboard in? Here's an ancient remedy that's been passed down through centuries, unblemished by modern additions.

Are you ready?

Deep breath. Here it is.


Lick clean a jar of Nutella. Trust me, you won't even be able to spell 'wories'. 'Werrois'. 'Srewior'.

See?

Gyaaaaarh!!!!

U&T klshdf ijzspvo osd[ idjf zxpjiasdf iou ifap u aua uias jpadf asyfuizdfi9iua f
hadofyaf yafpo io OIYlnhaf hafpin;.a sfugasf o[iasdf
asfh';
afuoyasfugas afyul fyasfo; uiap9f;qhinc uas dopua w rlyasf o8 juasd kj.

Decode THAT, bitches!

Comment Shark

Good Days, Bad Days

There are good days when you're touted as the Cameraperson of the Month, and then there are bad days when your Dad 'accidentally' locks you in the bathroom...

Kinds of Bus Passengers

Incredibly long bus journeys mean I have nothing better to do than this. And though the number of types of passengers may be the same as the number of people (since every individual is unique and all that crap), I have categorised them as follows. Please note, you may fall into any or even all of the following categories.

1. Wind Riders
   These spirited individuals like to enjoy the thrills of water skiing (or other such adrenaline-pumped physical activities) whilst on their bus journeys. For the same, they stand at the footboard and enjoy the wind running through their hair (or bald patch) till such time as another irate passenger asks them to step off or the conductor (descriptions of conductors given below) threatens to throw them off (I must add, it really does get the adrenaline flowing. Or maybe I'm a wimp who enjoys cheap thrills).
   
   
2. Sleepers
   Contrary to what crappy Kurt Russell movies will tell you, this guy does not set off bombs, but uses long bus journeys to catch up on lost hours at home/class/office. I must admit I fall rather heavily and blissfully in this category. Subsets include the Nodders, the Snorers and the I-Don't-Know-You-But-You-Have-A-Wonderful-Shoulder-Please-Let-Me-Sleep-
   On-It.
   
   
3. Flakes
   These individuals get into buses they don't really like. Once in, they see the proverbial grass on the other side, and after having bought their tickets, get off to switch buses. Another subset in this kind is the one who buys a ticket to a particular stop but eventually ends up getting off three or more stops before it.
   
   
4. Broken Records
   Need I really say more? Sitting next to them is akin to hearing an LP being played on a gas stove. Mind you, these individuals believe themselves to be experienced campaigners in these so far uncharted vocal territories. They are also the ones who go line up fifteen days in advance with tents, clothing and food (if not highly geeky "collector's" items) for Indian Idol auditions.
   
   
5. Fountain Statues
   Momentary dementia or severe identity crises cause these individuals to believe, while seated on bus window seats or standing at exits, that they are centrepieces of Venetian marble on beautiful garden attraction fountains. They understand perfectly how the use of light and colour is important in fountains, and therefore ensure that their streams are bright red from time to time.
   
   
6. Long Stalks From The Beach
   These amorously inclined individuals (mostly young gents) enjoy following the objects of their affection around the city, standing at a safe enough distance to be viewed as an innocent co-passenger, yet close enough to smell their muse's perfume, or whatever the hell gets their balls rolling (pun not intended at time of writing; perhaps later...).
   
   
7. Cursors
   These are irate individuals who feel rather strongly and negatively about their bus driver's abilities (descriptions of bus drivers given below). So strongly, in fact, do they feel, that they decide to brave the zero-G trip down the gangway to relay this opinion in person and in no censored terms to said driver.
   
   
8. Pre-Cursors
   These individuals share much of the previous category's views. Unfortunately they either lack the courage or the conviction in their beliefs to move to action, as do the members of the previous category. Instead, they grace their co-passengers with their flowery language in their description of their feelings about the bus driver's talents.
   

Kinds of Bus Conductors

While bus conductors can generally be classified into two main types - The Caller-Outers and The Non-Caller Outers (based on propensity to call out names of bus stands as they arrive), I've decided to dig deeper.

1. You Really Think I Give A Stinking Shit?
   Generally reserved for the emptier buses, this kind of conductor, contrary to his job description, will sit in the very first seat of the bus and chat up with the driver about 'toh apla mulga gela aani tithe tyaala ti midale...' It's your job and your concern to walk up to him and ask for a ticket. If you lose your window seat in the process, stop bickering. You should have travelled ticketless.
   
   
2. Will Trade Preferential Treatment For Small Change
   My favourite kind of conductor, he can be bribed into offering you the first seat that frees up near him if:
   you buy Rs. 15 ticket, and
   no. of coins given > ten.
   
   Also, if
   no. of coins > price of ticket,
   another passenger may be evicted from seat, and indeed, bus, to seat you, most benevolent of souls.
   
   
3. Rope Banging Means Move Your Ass
   That rope they have hanging works two ways. One way makes that bell ring at the front of the bus (effectively disallowing anyone seated there from sleeping) and the other makes that rope smack into the roof of the bus (supposedly scaring people into moving forward down the gangway. Why? Can he hit us with it?). Requires the utmost finesse and wrist control not to ring bell also when doing this. This is generally one of the most seasoned conductors plying the most popular, crowded route in the city.
   
   
4. Lonely Hearts
   Plying the most underused of routes are the lonely hearts. They'll come sit next to you and tell you their life's sorrows and joys. Before you start considering listening to them out of pity, remember, they're worse than the Type 1 conductor, meaning not even the drivers are willing to listen to them...
   
   
5. Obsessive Compulsive
   This is the rarest kind of conductor. He'll sit on any available widow seat, furiously cleaning out that cool ticket holder thingie. And when he's really bored, he'll pull out a blank ticket and punch it full of holes.
   

Kinds of Bus Drivers

Okay, who am I kidding? There is only one kind. Ooh!! Wait. I got kinds!

One: The kind who'll kill you by running you over.

Two: The kind who'll kill you by crashing the bus into something with you inside.

Three: The kind who'll kill you of a heart attack on the way to 'Kind Two' above.

Demigods, Ho!

Ever have one of those moments when you do something highly uncharacteristic of you and borderline unacceptable, and suddenly realise, 'This is what movie anti-heroes must feel like...'?

My Barber Shop

Haircut --------------------------- Rs. 35

Shave ---------------------------- Rs. 15

Haircut with shave ---------------- Rs. 45

Hair wash and haircut ------------- Rs. 60

Head masage --------------------- Rs. 25

Haircut with head masage --------- Rs. 60

Ladies Bobcut -------------------- Rs. 75

What’s the extra for in the Ladies Bobcut? Self-restraint?

Love is...

... bare toes wiggling in the sand next to tractor-soled monster-boots.

FPS Excuses

Are you ready for a level-up?

SPLAT!

Right. Maybe we should stay on this level for a bit. This map really sucks, though.

Relief.

Eleven thirty-seven. He tugged at his collar. He could’ve sworn he saw the steam escaping. He cursed out loud. ‘It’s going to kill me,’ he said. He took the little cloth and wiped the sweat off his face.

Twelve fifteen. ‘This is not going to get any better,’ he thought. He walked around the house shakily, closing the windows and drawing the thick blinds in every room. ‘At least now there’ll be shade. God, I hope that means less heat.’

One thirty-three. He stood up. He couldn’t bear it. Not any more. It had only gotten worse. He practically ripped off his shirt. Wiped himself with it and tossed it aside. Collapsed onto the cool stone floor under the fan. Oh, relief!!!

Two forty-six. Now in just his shorts, still on the floor, still uncomfortable. The heat was unbearable now. Not even the floor was helping. He let out a low moan. Those curses coming thick and fast now. He was parched – mouth, throat, it was all dry. But he couldn’t get up for a glass of water. Too much effort. So he just lay there, breathing, his body slick with sweat. Glistening.

Four twenty-eight. Evening had brought with it none of its usual respite. Everything baked in the orange-ing sunlight. ‘So this is what it feels like to be the Kalahari,’ he thought. Even like this, humour didn’t leave him. Never would, he swore. Around about then, he started wishing she was there. On the bright side, it meant he repented the fight. But he just lay there, breathing, thinking of a better time.

Nine eleven. Darkness had brought with it silence. Nothing else. Clouds hung in the sky. Mocking. Calling. Of course, if his curtains weren’t drawn, he’d have known that. But he just lay there, breathing, alone, miserable.

Eleven four. ‘Whoever said night was cooler than day, fucking lied.’ The line kept repeating in his head. Of course, the weather outside told a very different tale. Because the heat was now trapped inside the house. Windows shut. Curtains drawn. One unmoving occupant. If only he’d had a drink of water… But he just lay there, breathing, cursing in his mind.

Two twenty-six. ‘The phone’s rung five times. I think. I’m not sure anymore. Must be her. Calling to make up. It’s around that time. She probably thought I was asleep or something. Wait, I can’t see the ceiling anymore. Three mails I had to send. That last Doors album. Had it finished downloading? Can’t remember. There she is. The beach. That not-so-hidden corner. That wall. Sun blaring down on us. The beggars when we were leaving. Oh, look! There’s the ceiling. Hmm… That’s odd, the cracks seem to spell out her name. I should tell her that.’ But he just lay there, breathing.

Two fifty-two. The first drop. Stayed on the ground for a fraction of a second before the earth soaked it in. They followed in the thousands. Falling together. Calling him out. Screaming to him. Singing his song. The earth broke out that fresh spring cologne it wore to their parties. They pattered against his window, beckoning. But he just lay there.

Three seventeen. Thunder boomed a salute in the distance. A note of finality in the air. Together with the wind and the rain, it played a sonata. One of his favourites. A heavy, crashing tattoo that usually made him want to dance with them. The drops journeyed to his window and cried. But he just lay there.

Football

Can someone, please, in very simple terms, explain to me the excitement caused by hearing some British dude go, "Yeah Shebby, I think in the next 90 minutes, we're going to see two goals."

Whose Goddamn idea was pre-match analysis anyway?

Why me, God???

WHY???????

I shook my head. Tried to focus. It was there. I could feel it. Swimming, swirling, just out of reach. Or perhaps I was still in it, so catching hold of it wasn't easy.

I shook my head. Closed my eyes. Scratched my head, rubbed my fingers across my forehead, all that. Suddenly, there was something. A word. Suddenly there's an explosion in my head. Images, sounds, faces, places, events. I see me sitting by a stream, someone next to me. I can hear the bees. I can feel the stream moving.

This is it. It's beautiful. And I've got it. I thought I'd lost it. But I found it.

Then came that yell again. And I lost it. Again. I close my eyes again. Focus, focus. Ignore the sound. Block it out. I can do this. It's right here. I can get it.

That yell, yet again. And it's gone. I can't find it.

Ma, I'm up, you can stop yelling!!!

Ambition

So, what are going to do with your life, son? When are you going to wake up and take responsibility for your actions?
I'm going to manufacture and sell shaving cream, Dad.
What???
I think I'll call it "Pestonji's".
Go back to sleep, son.

Twins

They sat across the small table. Staring. Disbelievingly.

They barely even remembered each other. One even reached out his hand to make sure it wasn't a trick. That this wasn't a mirror. Grinned. That grin set it off. Brought everything back in a swirl.

Grins changed to smiles spreading across their faces. In minutes, they were children again.

Best friends in school. They sat together. It had been years since they'd even seen each other. But today, just seeing her let it all out. Nothing else had worked. Today, they cried. Together. Again.

*wtf*

What is with random idiots? Have they nothing better to do than visit profiles of people they have never seen saying stuff like:

abhi deepesh mare gher aya tha to he visite ur profil than i come online and strike this web address...
and find u got it .....
or jyada vaw mat kha yar....
bhukh lagi hai to gher aaja khana khilata hun....

I mean, really, dude. Get a life.

Education

I've realised that education gets more generalised, not specialised, the further along you go. My brother's in engineering, I'm in business management. You'd think those two are pretty darn distinct. Nope. He studies the same production management crap I do. Heck, he even uses my textbooks.

The Book of Life has chosen to flip its pages for me. The Pages of Dawn tell me something will happen to me nine and four thousand days from today. They choose not to reveal any more.

Random Mob Word for the Day

Threeza: When a boy with three years of history finally meets/comes to terms with his past.