Sunday, 13 April 2008

Kinds of Bus Conductors

While bus conductors can generally be classified into two main types - The Caller-Outers and The Non-Caller Outers (based on propensity to call out names of bus stands as they arrive), I've decided to dig deeper.

  1. You Really Think I Give A Stinking Shit?
    Generally reserved for the emptier buses, this kind of conductor, contrary to his job description, will sit in the very first seat of the bus and chat up with the driver about 'toh apla mulga gela aani tithe tyaala ti midale...' It's your job and your concern to walk up to him and ask for a ticket. If you lose your window seat in the process, stop bickering. You should have travelled ticketless.

  2. Will Trade Preferential Treatment For Small Change
    My favourite kind of conductor, he can be bribed into offering you the first seat that frees up near him if:
    you buy Rs. 15 ticket, and
    no. of coins given > ten.

    Also, if
    no. of coins > price of ticket,
    another passenger may be evicted from seat, and indeed, bus, to seat you, most benevolent of souls.

  3. Rope Banging Means Move Your Ass
    That rope they have hanging works two ways. One way makes that bell ring at the front of the bus (effectively disallowing anyone seated there from sleeping) and the other makes that rope smack into the roof of the bus (supposedly scaring people into moving forward down the gangway. Why? Can he hit us with it?). Requires the utmost finesse and wrist control not to ring bell also when doing this. This is generally one of the most seasoned conductors plying the most popular, crowded route in the city.

  4. Lonely Hearts
    Plying the most underused of routes are the lonely hearts. They'll come sit next to you and tell you their life's sorrows and joys. Before you start considering listening to them out of pity, remember, they're worse than the Type 1 conductor, meaning not even the drivers are willing to listen to them...

  5. Obsessive Compulsive
    This is the rarest kind of conductor. He'll sit on any available widow seat, furiously cleaning out that cool ticket holder thingie. And when he's really bored, he'll pull out a blank ticket and punch it full of holes.

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