How to know for sure that technology is moving too fast for its own good: Death shows up at your door and asks you to sign an electronic pad before popping you.

Good Scoops

What's the best source for market information? And I don't just mean stock tips. I mean detailed information about the economy. The answer: milkmen, newspaper boys, postmen, courier delivery boys and the like.

Come religious holidays, and they all show up at our doors, asking for a little 'grease money'. Pass them a note of a denomination any less than or equal to 50 and they start quoting figures that would put most management students to shame. "Inflation, price index, globalisation, weakening Rupee, increasing oil prices leading to increasing prices on everything else, rising prices of blue chip stocks..."

Take my advice, Mr. Chidambaram. Knock off your entire ministry; replace them with these guys. They know more than the past three years worth of Business Todays and Outlooks put together.

Refer the Indiabulls Smart Investor Ad (can't find it on YouTube).

Coffee Mugs

It's been scientifically proven that coffee looks sexier in black mugs. In fact, here's the Top 5 coffee-sexy-making mugs:

1. Jet Black. Designs may include further artwork in black.
   
   
2. Garfield mugs rule. Actually, put Garfield kicking Odie's ass on practically anything and it becomes uber cool.
   
   
3. Coffee mugs with one-liners about Coffee as the Most Important Part of Your Day.
   
   
4. Coffee mugs with one-liners printed on the inside.
   
   
5. Coffee mugs gifted by special someones.

Actually, the sexiest coffee mug exists on my Facebook Graffiti Wall. The black mug got upstaged 207 days ago today.

Now, repeat after me: "I'm sorry, honey! I don't make the list!"

Slogan For My Modelling Agency

Let anorexic models apply. They want to look like they're as thick as paper or a real-life cardboard cut-out? Good for them. Not on my time. Bye bye, now...

India: A Mystical Experience

Day One:

Accosted by beggars outside International Terminal. Digital Camera stolen.

Taken for ride by overzealous, friendly, effervescent cabbie. 3 hour ride for five minute journey.

On advice of said cabbie, booked into Grade IV Hotel. Insects found to inhabit mattress.

Day Two:

Trip to major city market centre. Surrounded by streetside vendors. Girlfriend flirted with by ugly, dark men with warts on their faces and characteristic Sallu Bhai hair. One wallet flicked.

Bought beautiful clock with transparent back showing inner workings and Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken engraved on side.

Walked to seafront. Enjoyed beautiful view, sounds of birds and street music (read traffic) mingling poetically with sounds of eve-teasers and lewd stares of obese, 50+ 'gentlemen'.

Arrival at hotel to scrutinise day's purchases reveals beautiful clock with poem on side by 'Ralient Trost'.

Day Three:

Decide, despite experience and better judgement suggesting otherwise, to brave another trip to market centre. Enamoured by man with little drum making monkey dance. Believe this is a religious activity. Pay monkey-trainer Rs. 500 for 'showing them path to enlightenment'.

Attend 'mahasatsang' of little-known Godman. Watch in awe and shock as coconut shell explodes to reveal snake-spirit within. Shout heavily accented slogans in Hindi as snake is beaten to death to kill evil spirit.

Are asked to, and accordingly, deposit large amounts of money towards 'purchasing comforts for the needy' (read little-known Godmen).

Ask for, and gain meeting with, little-known Godman by lubricating pockets of three levels of bouncers. Are asked for, and pay, gurudakshina for being allowed to meet little-known Godman to said individual's personal aide.

During course of personal meeting, are asked to provide sexual favours to little-known Godman. Refuse thereto.

On way out, while being beaten for refusing Great, All-knowing One what is rightfully his, see rubber snake in disciple's bag.

Return to Grade IV hotel much disillusioned. Discover missing eyelash curler and box of protection. Therefore dejectedly postpone lovemaking session with insects.

Discover second missing wallet. Shrug and prepare for bed as it was already empty after day's spending.

Day Four:

Call Concierge-recommended Travel agency for immediate return flights. Make international call home to ask for money to be wired for same.

Make second international call home to ask for additional money to pay for international calls at elevated hotel rates.

Decide to spend day in.

Unwisely.

Day Five:

Awake to the feeling of 16 red boils per square inch of skin. Hurriedly rush to nearest medical store to look for preferred brand of lotion. Do not find it.

Hurried packing permits overlooking of additional missing items. One watch, one box tampons. Discover missing pair of sneakers.

Argue with concierge over three out of fifteen overbilled items. Do not notice the rest. Concierge graciously deletes said three items. Believe concierge to be good man, tip him generously, for excellent advice and more or less honest service.

Hurry to airport to discover five minutes left for boarding time due to misprint on schedule provided by concierge-recommended travel agency. Hurriedly catch flight after reproachful looks from airline employees.






'Dude! How was your trip?'

'Oh, dude! It was so awesome, I mean, really, it was, like, out there, man. It was like this spiritual experience, man... I'm feelin' so good man... I can't even tell you how good I'm feelin'... India is like, so f@#$in' awesome, man...'

Je demande vos pardons

Posts on this blog will not appear in the order that I upload them. They appear in the order that they appeared in my head, which means I change the date and time to when I thought them up. Hence posts such as Untitled (Part 2) appear after Bitch even though I only uploaded them today.

Excuse the inconvenience,

Thank you and hopefully,

Happy reading,

Jhayu.

How To Use The MiracleMop

Step I:

Dip MiracleMop in extended mode into bucket.

Step II:

Pull back on extension.

Step III:

Squeeze out extra water.

Step IV:

Return to extended mode and enjoy strain-free cleaning.

Step V:

Look happy, Goddammit! @#$%!!!

Update 31.03.08:

As it turns out, all the energy saved in the 'strain-free' cleaning is spent trying to get the damn thing to drain out excess water. Ergo, either the woman displayed above is Wonder Woman, or the combined twisting force of my mother and me equals Olive Oyl's left pinky.

Learn, Bitches!

Viewing this blog makes your monitor consume less energy. 'Cos it has a black background. Try doing it yourself. And before you start calling me names and asking what I'm really doing for the environment and shit, ask yourselves if you're even doing this much.

Friends

Can I store my friends in a fishbowl? What do I have to put in it? Is it large enough? How long will they live? What do I feed them?

Things Not To Say In A Job Interview

1. 'So tell me about a time you failed.'
   'Well, there was this science project at school; it was on cloning... Yeah, so that kinda went bad. But my second head is a little emotional about it, so I wouldn't get much into it if I were you...'
   
   
2. 'Wow. I'm sorry, I wasn't listening... By the way, you got some rack, I gotta tell you...'
   
   
3. 'Your sister is fine. I mean, DAMN!'
   
   
4. 'Yo mama so ugly...'
   
   
5. 'Do you have any questions about the company?'
   'Yeah, where the Cheetos at? They told me you get free Cheetos here.'

Disorder

I think it's a disorder. It might be. I hate it. I wish I didn't have it. I only have two questions of you, God.

1. Why didn't you soundproof the mouth if you knew food was going to be in it? I mean, really! It crunches in there!

2. Why, in good God's name, would anyone want to chew with their mouth open? What purpose does it serve? Does it air out the food?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Fashion Question Marks

Is there a reason any sane woman would want to wear high heels to college just to come write an exam?? Honestly??

wants

i want to write

i want to play maria

i want to fly a kite

i want to roll in mud

i want to climb a tree

i want to scrape myself falling down

and dust myself getting up

i want to fly

i want to soar

i want to dive

i want to dig a hole

to bury my past

i want to sleep

i want to wake up in the next millenium

i want to live forever

i want to die

i want to go suck my thumb

i want to bite my toenails

i want to lie on grass

and play games with a centipede

i want to clean my cupboard

i want to read a book

i want to draw

i want to fire a gun

i want to be a spy

i want to fly

Children have the most incredibly flexible imaginings. Like staring pointedly and obliquely at a microphone to make sure it gives you its undivided attention.

Don't mention bad breath to Texans or you'll end up with a bullet in your head. Actually, if you're a Texan above 36 years of age, you probably have one already.