Sunday, 30 March 2008

India: A Mystical Experience

Day One:

Accosted by beggars outside International Terminal. Digital Camera stolen.

Taken for ride by overzealous, friendly, effervescent cabbie. 3 hour ride for five minute journey.

On advice of said cabbie, booked into Grade IV Hotel. Insects found to inhabit mattress.

Day Two:

Trip to major city market centre. Surrounded by streetside vendors. Girlfriend flirted with by ugly, dark men with warts on their faces and characteristic Sallu Bhai hair. One wallet flicked.

Bought beautiful clock with transparent back showing inner workings and Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken engraved on side.

Walked to seafront. Enjoyed beautiful view, sounds of birds and street music (read traffic) mingling poetically with sounds of eve-teasers and lewd stares of obese, 50+ 'gentlemen'.

Arrival at hotel to scrutinise day's purchases reveals beautiful clock with poem on side by 'Ralient Trost'.

Day Three:

Decide, despite experience and better judgement suggesting otherwise, to brave another trip to market centre. Enamoured by man with little drum making monkey dance. Believe this is a religious activity. Pay monkey-trainer Rs. 500 for 'showing them path to enlightenment'.

Attend 'mahasatsang' of little-known Godman. Watch in awe and shock as coconut shell explodes to reveal snake-spirit within. Shout heavily accented slogans in Hindi as snake is beaten to death to kill evil spirit.

Are asked to, and accordingly, deposit large amounts of money towards 'purchasing comforts for the needy' (read little-known Godmen).

Ask for, and gain meeting with, little-known Godman by lubricating pockets of three levels of bouncers. Are asked for, and pay, gurudakshina for being allowed to meet little-known Godman to said individual's personal aide.

During course of personal meeting, are asked to provide sexual favours to little-known Godman. Refuse thereto.

On way out, while being beaten for refusing Great, All-knowing One what is rightfully his, see rubber snake in disciple's bag.

Return to Grade IV hotel much disillusioned. Discover missing eyelash curler and box of protection. Therefore dejectedly postpone lovemaking session with insects.

Discover second missing wallet. Shrug and prepare for bed as it was already empty after day's spending.

Day Four:

Call Concierge-recommended Travel agency for immediate return flights. Make international call home to ask for money to be wired for same.

Make second international call home to ask for additional money to pay for international calls at elevated hotel rates.

Decide to spend day in.


Day Five:

Awake to the feeling of 16 red boils per square inch of skin. Hurriedly rush to nearest medical store to look for preferred brand of lotion. Do not find it.

Hurried packing permits overlooking of additional missing items. One watch, one box tampons. Discover missing pair of sneakers.

Argue with concierge over three out of fifteen overbilled items. Do not notice the rest. Concierge graciously deletes said three items. Believe concierge to be good man, tip him generously, for excellent advice and more or less honest service.

Hurry to airport to discover five minutes left for boarding time due to misprint on schedule provided by concierge-recommended travel agency. Hurriedly catch flight after reproachful looks from airline employees.

'Dude! How was your trip?'

'Oh, dude! It was so awesome, I mean, really, it was, like, out there, man. It was like this spiritual experience, man... I'm feelin' so good man... I can't even tell you how good I'm feelin'... India is like, so f@#$in' awesome, man...'

2 member protest rally:

Mudra said...

Awesome one, this! Lol..!

Jhayu said...

Many thanks... The idea came as I was waking up after having slept on the bus home. =p

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